


dungeoneering for dummies

by gxlyqpi



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Chaos, Characters Play Dungeons & Dragons, Dungeons & Dragons References, Gen, M/M, Mentioned Mark Lee (NCT), Mentioned SuperM Ensemble, OT9 (EXO)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-29
Updated: 2020-08-29
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:34:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,633
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26175052
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gxlyqpi/pseuds/gxlyqpi
Summary: In which Junmyeon starts a D&D campaign.
Relationships: EXO Ensemble/EXO Ensemble, EXO Ensemble/Everyone
Comments: 4
Kudos: 10





	dungeoneering for dummies

**Author's Note:**

> This only covers the EXO members setting up their D&D characters, not any actual campaigning. I don't know if I'll end up writing more, but this is the first fic I've ever finished (or reached a stopping point for, anyway) or posted.
> 
> I'm sorry in advance.

"Everyone!" Junmyeon called out to the seven men seated on the ground around the dorm's low coffee table, at the end of which was balanced a laptop.

There wasn't so much as a hesitant lull in their chattering. Junmyeon sighed in resignation and turned to his left, tapping Jongdae on the knee. "Can you...?" he asked, jerking his head to indicate the rest of the table.

Jongdae gave him a little catlike smile and nodded before taking a deep belly breath, nostrils flaring.

"EVERYONE!" he bellowed. There was a brief pause in the conversation as five heads swiveled toward him. Junmyeon and Minseok winced and leaned away, and a tinny "Aiyo!" followed by the sound of Yixing falling off his chair piped through the laptop speakers.

Then Baekhyun resumed his impression of Lee Soo-Man's lecturing face and Chanyeol tipped over in silent, shaking laughter again, beating the floor with his large hands.

Sehun rolled his eyes at Jongdae and Junmyeon.

"Everyone," he said sharply. The room fell silent at once. Yixing had righted himself and was peering attentively at his screen.

"What is it, Sehunnie?" asked Baekhyun.

"We're starting now," he said, gesturing to Junmyeon. "Leader?"

Junmyeon cleared his throat. "That's right, thank you Sehun," he said, brushing an imaginary speck of dust off his _Dungeon Master's Guide_ for effect.

"Everyone, I call to order the first meeting of the EXO Dungeons and Dragons adventuring party."

"Wait!" Sehun cried, putting a hand directly in front of Junmyeon's face to stop him. Everyone remained silent as Sehun ran to the kitchen, waiting patiently as the sounds of Sehun rummaging through the cupboards, manhandling crinkly plastic bags, opening and closing the fridge at least four times, and arguing with the microwave issued forth from the kitchen

He returned with a double armful of snacks: potato chips, beef jerky, fish-shaped ice cream sandwiches, leftover pizza slices wrapped in aluminum foil, a Tupperware of the kimchi fried rice Kyungsoo had made last night, a tray of pre-cut veggie sticks, which he placed in front of Junmyeon, and a steaming hot bag of popcorn he was pinching gingerly by the corner with alternating hands. He was also rolling a massive tub of cheeseballs along the ground, which he kicked over to Kyungsoo, making his sweatpants jangle because the pockets were full of soda cans.

The weight of the beverages had made his sweatpants sag dangerously low over the swell of his buttcheeks, so after he finished placing the food and drinks on the table, reserving a Pocari Sweat and an ice cream fish for himself, he pulled his pants back up, wiggling into them.

A chorus of murmured _thank you_ 's and _I love you, Sehun_ 's rose from the table as the food and drinks were passed around. On the laptop screen, Yixing could be seen peeling clementines.

Junmyeon bit into a carrot stick with a loud snap. "So!" he continued, as if he'd never been interrupted. "As we all know, our Minseokkie will be enlisting next year, and in order to get in enough family bonding time between our individual and subunit schedules, we've decided to start a D&D campaign. I, Junmyeon, will be your Dungeon Master, or DM for short."

"Kinky," said Baekhyun in an undertone.

Kyungsoo threw a cheeseball at him. Minseok looked thoughtful.

"You all should have prepared your characters for this first session so we can fill out our character sheets and go over the game mechanics."

Junmyeon straightened out the stack of papers in front of him before scooting them toward the center of the table, where they scattered, one of them landing across Jongin's face.

"Given Yixing's schedules in China, he won't be able to join us for every session, so instead of playing his own character, he'll be helping me DM by filling in for NPCs."

Yixing's dimpled smile lit up the laptop screen, and he gave a double thumbs up as he chimed in with "It will be awesome, bro!"

Junmyeon smiled back at him fondly.

"So," he said, looking around the table. "Does everyone have their characters ready? Shall we start with you, Minseok?"

"Okay," said Minseok, popping the lid off a Pringles can. "So, I'm a Half-Elf, I'm a Wizard, and my name is Sagtrop."

Junmyeon jotted this down in his Moleskine. Sehun peered over his shoulder, frowning.

"I'm six-foot-one," Minseok continued, crunching into a chip. Chanyeol snorted into his Fanta.

"No character shaming," Junmyeon said sharply. "We are role-playing our fantasy selves. If Minseok says Sagtrop is six-one, then Sagtrop is six-one."

"I'm impulsive," Minseok continued, unfazed. "I never back down from a fight. I have the Sailor background. Oh, and I have narcolepsy."

"Narcolepsy, huh? Guys," said Sehun, chin digging into Junmyeon's shoulder. "Do you know what Sagtrop is, spelled backwards?"

They all fell silent for a moment, until Kyungsoo sounded out, "Po... Port...gas."

"Kim Minseok!" Baekhyun seized a handful of cheeseballs from the tub Kyungsoo was cradling in his lap and flung them at Minseok. Unfortunately, they were very lightweight cheeseballs, and half of them lost momentum mid-trajectory and bounced across the table, leaving trails of neon orange cheese dust in their wake. Jongin picked one up and ate it. Minseok's eye twitched.

"Did you think nobody was going to notice that you named yourself after that tall ripped anime guy that you have a _naked figurine of_ in your dedicated One Piece display case?" Baekhyun demanded.

"Portgas D. Ace is not _naked_ ," Minseok retorted. "He's _shirtless_ , because he has a sick back tattoo that's significant to his character development."

"I'm surrounded by weebs," Baekhyun grumbled, peeling the foil back from a slice of leftover pizza. "Horny weebs."

"I'm sure that bothered you a lot when you were watching hentai with Chanyeol again last night," Sehun said darkly.

"Hey, we were having bro bonding time," protested Chanyeol. "And I always invite you to join us."

"Sorry, but I'm not really into pixelated cartoon boobies."

"You know they only pixelate the genitals, right?" said Baekhyun around a mouthful of pizza. "Anyway," he continued, swallowing, "We were actually watching yaoi last night." In a whisper, he added, "Which is code for bro-job night."

"Isn't every night bro-job night?" said Sehun, rolling his eyes. "God, you'd think SM would've upgraded these dorms after our third or fourth _million_ seller album, but nooo, we still have to live with these paper thin rookie walls, through which," Sehun said, bugging his eyes out, "we can hear _everything_."

"Look, I'm sorry about the noise," said Baekhyun, not sounding very sorry at all. "But you know how sensitive Chanyeol is. He just gets super whiny once you get past two fingers, just like Nini."

"Hey!" Jongin cried. "I'm not that whiny."

"Yes you are," said Kyungsoo.

Jongin pouted and took a vindictive bite of his ice cream fish.

"Now, if you _really_ wanted to shut him up," said Baekhyun, vigorously rubbing a hand on Chanyeol's thigh, "you could join us and put your big fat monster - "

"Can we focus here?" Kyungsoo cut in.

"Yes please," said Junmyeon gratefully. "Let's get back to characters. So we have Portgas, a Wizard Half-Elf. Next is..." Junmyeon took a quick glance around the room. "Oh," he said, sounding defeated. "Baekhyun."

"Monster cock," Baekhyun whispered.

Sehun preened a little, then asked, "So who's your character, Baekhyun?"

"Okay," said Baekhyun, abandoning his half-eaten slice of pizza in favor of slapping both hands on the tabletop. "I'm going to be a Halfling Rogue named Charlotta, and I'm a Charlatan."

Jongin squirreled away the pizza to reside next to his cell phone in the pocket of his Louis Vuitton overalls and snuck bites of it while Baekhyun was occupied with flipping through his notepad.

"Charlotta?" asked Junmyeon, raising an eyebrow as he added Baekhyun's info to his Moleskine.

"Are you playing a girl?" Yixing asked with interest.

"You bet, baby," Baekhyun purred at Yixing's slightly laggy screen. "Charlotta is a compulsive liar and can't resist a pretty face. She's three feet tall and _very_ curvy."

Kyungsoo snorted. "Why do I get the feeling it's not going to be very hard for you to roleplay this character?"

Baekhyun winked at him outrageously and said, "Oh, it'll be hard, alright."

Kyungsoo rolled his eyes but cracked a smile, Jongdae cackled in delight, and Jongin was so surprised by his own giggling that he choked on Baekhyun's pizza. Chanyeol was busy slapping Baekhyun's arm, wheezing with laughter. After a moment, a look of shock stole over Yixing's face and he clapped a hand over his mouth, shoulders shaking.

"Okay," said Junmyeon, finishing up his notes. "Charlotta the Charlottan." He chuckled to himself, and Minseok smiled behind the two Pringles he'd stuffed into his mouth to look like a duck.

"We're off to a good start," Junmyeon said approvingly. "Jongdae next?"

Jongdae gave the group an unsure little smile, eyebrows tilting like a cartoon character's. "Uh, okay," he said. "I don't know if I did this right."

"It's okay," Junmyeon said reassuringly. "The whole purpose of this initial meeting is to work out the kinks in our characters."

"Charlotta likes pegging," Baekhyun whispered.

Jongin thrust the remainder of his pizza back at him. Baekhyun squinted suspiciously at the noticeably smaller slice for a long moment before taking it back. Upon taking his first bite, he finally fell silent, munching contentedly.

Junmyeon gestured for Jongdae to continue. Jongdae cleared his throat.

"I'm a Human Bard," Jongdae began. "An Entertainer. Specifically a Singer. Named... Matteo?"

"Jongdae," said Junmyeon, taking off his glasses and scrubbing at his face. "That sounds exactly like real-life you."

"At least pick a different name," said Minseok, patting his knee.

"Ah," Jongdae faltered. "Matt... Matthias? Matthew? Mark? Methuselah?"

Sehun and Jongin winced at each other over Kyungsoo's head.

"Moses?" Jongdae threw out desperately. He was running out of Biblical names starting with M.

"Moses," said Baekhyun reverently, hand frozen midair with the last piece of crust halfway to his mouth.

Jongdae glanced at Sehun, who glanced between him and Jongin, who glanced at Kyungsoo, who was glancing dubiously back and forth between all of them and Chanyeol, who was watching Baekhyun warily, like he was a little plastic pirate who might suddenly launch out of his spring-loaded, sword-pierced barrel at any moment.

"He's the one who parted the sea, right? He led his people out of Egypt?" Baekhyun wiped his mouth on the back of his hand, prompting Minseok to slide a stack of napkins across the table.

"...Yes...?" Jongdae ventured.

"Very heroic," said Baekhyun sagely. "I think it's a good name for your character. Much better than Matteo."

"How does Moses sound, Jongdae?" asked Junmyeon.

"Okay," he agreed easily, with a shrug.

"You can be the Chosen One," said Baekhyun, warming to the idea. "Moses! Did you know Whitney Houston and Mariah Carey even sang a song about him?"

Jongdae stared at him blankly.

"You know! _Many nights we've prayed... Da da da da doo doo doo doo_ ," Baekhyun sang, swaying a finger in the air like a drunken conductor. He sang a few more lines under his breath before latching onto some lyrics he remembered. " _We were moving mountains long before we knew we could!"_ he sang triumphantly.

Then, at full volume, _"THERE CAN BE MIRACLES... WHEN YOU BELIIIEEEVE."_

Around the table, seven men let out sighs of exasperation, but one gasped in excitement.

 _"THOUGH HOPE IS FRAAIIILLL, IT'S HARD TO KILL,"_ Baekhyun and Jongdae sang in their lower registers, catching each other's eyes and grinning.

 _"WHO KNOWS WHAT MIRACLES,"_ they continued, Jongdae grabbing a celery stick from Junmyeon's veggie tray to use as a microphone, while Baekhyun did the same with Jongin's bare foot.

Kyungsoo smiled at them despite himself. He loved the way their voices sounded together too much to stay mad at them for long when they broke into song like this, even as loud as they were.

 _"YOU CAN ACHIIIEVE,"_ they continued, harmonizing with each other.

 _"You caaan achieve,"_ Kyungsoo echoed in a run, his voice adding an impossibly rich smoothness to their combined vocals.

As if something dormant had been awoken, the rest of the members suddenly joined in for the next line, layering and blending their voices effortlessly: _"WHEN YOU BELIIIEEEEVE, SOMEHOW YOU WILL."_

 _"Now you will,"_ Sehun sang softly and sweetly, with no trace of the self-consciousness he sometimes had when singing onstage. Eight heads, one of them slightly pixelated, turned adoringly in his direction like extremely handsome daisies drawn toward the sun.

 _"YOU WILL WHEN YOU BELIIIEEEEVE,"_ they all sang as one, as if rehearsed, voices swelling in sudden, clear, perfect nine-part harmony.

 _"You will when you believe,"_ finished Baekhyun with a beautiful vibrato directed into Jongin's foot.

"Wahhh!" cried Jongdae as the group broke into scattered applause, Chanyeol and Jongin looking watery-eyed and Baekhyun clapping like a seal.

A buzz came from Jongin's overall pocket at the same time that several chimes sounded around the table. Jongin pulled his cell phone out to see a message from Taemin.

"Hey guys," he said, giving a guilty little giggle. "Taemin says we're being too loud and to please shut up."

"Joohyun just said the same thing," said Junmyeon, frowning at his phone as he messaged her back with a bunny emoji and an apology.

"So did Johnny," said Sehun, glaring at his phone, eyebrows like a cartoon villain's. He snapped a too-close selfie that only captured the top third of his face and sent it to Johnny along with a quick thumbs up emoji.

"And Mark," said Minseok. "Well, not in those words exactly. He said 'Wow we can hear you guys from the tenth floor,' exclamation point, 'Isn't that crazy,' question mark question mark, 'Hahaha sounds like you guys are having a good time,' exclamation point, 'Invite me next time haha,' triple exclamation point, 'JK have a good night hyung,' and then a smiley face and a green heart."

"I think he's in love with you," said Baekhyun matter-of-factly.

"Why didn't he text _me?_ " Jongin whined with a pout.

"He's _intimidated_ by you," said Minseok. "Did I tell you about the time I worked out with him?! We were taking a break, and he was about to drink out of his water bottle, and I used the bottom of my shirt to wipe the sweat off my face, and he ended up pouring water all over his own face."

Jongin scrunched up into a ball. "CU-U-UTE!" he squealed, shaking his fists with excessive feeling.

"Anyway, my heart is taken by Changmin," Minseok declared.

Jongdae gave him a stony glare.

"And Jongdae," he added quickly. "My smoking hot wife."

"KimJongDaeWife!" Baekhyun shouted.

"Soon," Jongdae said seriously. "KimJongDaeGirlfriend will become KimJongDaeFiancée. Then we can level up to KimJongDaeWife."

"I think ShimChangMinGirlfriend will become ShimChangMinFiancée soon, too. I can't believe both my men are leaving me," Minseok sighed.

"So," said Jongin, completely ignoring them and unhooking the straps of his overalls. "Hypothetically speaking, if I were to send Mark a picture of my abs," he said, rucking his shirt up experimentally, "Do you think that would intimidate him more, or would he start texting me too?" He worked the hem of his shirt between his teeth and tried smoldering. He was very good at it.

Kyungsoo determinedly kept his eyes on Jongin's face. Chanyeol whimpered.

"Intimidate, but send it anyway," Minseok replied decisively. "He's so cute when he's flustered. Since when do you want to talk to Mark so badly, anyway?"

"It's because of the super group thing Lee Soo-Man was talking to Junmyeon about," Jongin said, consonants muffled by his shirt. "I figure we should try to get closer to the younger members before we start. Scheduling is probably gonna be crazy." He held his phone out to Baekhyun, who dutifully snapped several bursts of photos in a row from various angles.

Junmyeon scowled. "It's going to be a lot to pack in with our solo and subunit music, plus endorsements and filming and everything else. But it's a good opportunity for both of you. And for EXO, especially if we go through with forming our own label after our service is over. I just hope the schedules won't be too rough on you guys. We aren't rookies anymore."

"No we aren't," said Minseok a little sadly.

"You're telling me," muttered Baekhyun, giving his tummy a nostalgic rub.

"So this is the group they plan to debut while I'm gone? The American one?"

"Yeah," said Jongin, finally releasing his shirt from his teeth and doing his overalls back up. "So Mark will end up doing most of the talking during promotions. He sounds so cool when he speaks English."

"I want to talk to the younger members, too," said Baekhyun. "Especially Taeyongie." His eyes glazed over as he smiled to himself and squished his own face between his hands.

"Taeyong is very ambitious," said Junmyeon, nodding with approval. "Like you. Like me. If we haven't taken over SM by the time we're all done with enlistment, we'll build something newer and better in its place," he said fiercely. "Not just a label under SM. Something independent, a company where everyone feels like they own their work."

A hopeful, contemplative silence fell over the group.

Kyungsoo cleared his throat and stared at his hands. "Speaking of filming, I want to remind everyone that I plan on getting my enlistment done before the next _Along with the Gods_ starts shooting. And it might push back our individual and group schedules."

"Kyungsoo, we've gone over this," Junmyeon said patiently. "It's still in our best interest to keep it under wraps until it's all confirmed. But it's important to all of us that you can pursue these acting opportunities. It's good for EXO, it's good for your image, and it's good for you creatively, on a personal level. It's good for Do Kyungsoo, not just D.O. I speak for everyone when I say we support your decision. We are _one_."

Sehun was glaring at Junmyeon, watery-eyed. "Our leader..."

"Ah, our leader," said Yixing through the laptop speakers. "You always sound so cool."

Kyungsoo smiled his heart-shaped smile for just a moment before Chanyeol flung himself bodily across the table and planted a wet kiss on his lips, cradling his face in both hands.

"Park Chanyeol!" he roared.

Chanyeol cowered.

"We can continue this later."

"Ohoho," said Baekhyun, waggling his eyebrows. "Please invite me," he added in a stage whisper.

"Me too," added Jongin.

"Super-bed!" Sehun cried, jumping up in excitement. "Can we do a super-bed?"

"Yes," said Junmyeon indulgently. "And we'll do it again when everyone's here," he added, nodding to Yixing on the laptop screen.

"It's been so long since we all did a super-bed," Yixing said wistfully. "You know, I'm always so cold when I go to bed here. I miss sleeping with you guys. I _really_ miss those weird noises Baekhyun makes while he's falling asleep."

"I can make all kinds of noises," said Baekhyun suggestively. "Especially if the super-bed is a sexy super-bed."

"Okay, eight-man super-bed later, nine-man D&D now!" declared Junmyeon. "So Jongdae," he said briskly, all business again. "Or, uh, Moses." He passed a _Player's Handbook_ to him. "How about you keep the Human and the Bard but choose a different background?"

Jongdae accepted the book and started flipping through it. "Entertainer-Dancer?" he offered. "Entertainer-Gladiator? Uh, Hermit?" he suggested with a bright laugh.

"How about Folk Hero?" suggested Jongin, who was leafing through his own _Player's Handbook_. "Then you can really be like Moses. Your Defining Event can be 'I stood up to a tyrant's agents' or 'I saved people during a natural disaster.'"

"Well, you're supposed to customize it, right?" said Kyungsoo, pushing his glasses up as he peered over Jongin's shoulder. "Yours can be 'I saved people from a tyrant by causing a natural disaster.'"

"That would work," said Jongdae thoughtfully. "Can I be an old man?"

"You can be whatever you want to be," Junmyeon assured him.

"Then I'm an old man," Jongdae decided. "And I have a really long beard. And I'm six feet tall!"

Junmyeon wrote this down and nodded at his Moleskine, satisfied. "Excellent," he said. "I think we can move on to Chanyeol now."

Chanyeol looked up from the Tupperware of kimchi fried rice he was sharing with Jongin. "Me?" he asked, eyes wide.

Junmyeon nodded.

Chanyeol hastily shoveled another spoonful of fried rice into his mouth as he scrambled for his notebook, which Baekhyun turned out to be sitting on. Chanyeol gave his butt a friendly bro squeeze as he retrieved his character notes. The notebook was warm to the touch, as was the butt.

"Okay," said Chanyeol. "I'm going to be an Elf Druid, and my name is - "

"Auuugh," Jongin groaned. "I wanted to be a Druid." He glowered at the table and looked like he was about to cry. Kyungsoo fed him a conciliatory cheeseball.

"You can both be Druids," said Junmyeon, bewildered.

"But why would you need two Druids in the same group?" Jongin whined. "I just want to be able to turn into a bear and talk to animals and - "

"Jongin," interrupted Junmyeon. "We can have more than one Druid in the group. Just because two characters have the same magical abilities doesn't mean they'll behave exactly the same way in a given situation. If you have different backgrounds, or different motivations, different fears, whatever - those will all change how the game goes."

Jongin crossed his arms and chewed on his very plush lower lip. "Okay fine," he conceded. "Let's hear what Chanyeol's character is."

Chanyeol beamed his twelve thousand watt smile in his direction and continued. "Okay. I'm an Elf Druid, and my name is Nicolette, but I sometimes go by Nick."

Minseok let out a triumphant little "Ha!" but everyone else just heaved a sigh of long-suffering.

"See, I'm not the only one who based their character off an animation," Minseok hissed at Baekhyun.

"Sure," agreed Baekhyun, "but at least yours has abs. What does Nick Wilde have to offer? Bad taste in neckties? A disproportionately long torso? Khakis?!"

"His khakis have a hole in the back for his tail," Minseok pointed out. "Built-in access hatch."

"Rear access," Jongdae murmured, raising his eyebrows.

Baekhyun looked unimpressed. "It's just not a rear I want access to."

"No character shaming," Junmyeon repeated wearily. "Chanyeol, please continue."

Chanyeol cleared his throat. "As Nicolette-but-sometimes-Nick," he said, placing a hand over his heart, "I was born a Noble, but I must prove that I can handle myself without coddling from my family. I also take great pains to always look my best and follow the latest fashions."

"Like khakis," whispered Baekhyun.

"Yes, like khakis," agreed Chanyeol, narrowing his eyes. "Or long velvet cloaks. Or very, very low-cut ballgowns, because!" He raised a finger in the air.

"How are you gonna fight bad guys in a ballgown?" mumbled Jongin.

"My flaw," said Chanyeol with great relish, "is that I have an insatiable desire for carnal pleasures."

"Huh," said Baekhyun thoughtfully. "Maybe this won't be so bad after all."

"Okay, great," said Junmyeon, using his pen as a guide as he scanned over what he'd written. Sehun plucked the pen out of his fingers and added _wants sum fucc_ below the words _carnal pleasures_. Junmyeon smacked him on the arm and snatched his pen back.

"Everything looks good, Chanyeol," said Junmyeon, pen hovering over the page, "but just double checking - Nicolette is a... girl? Who sometimes goes by Nick?"

Chanyeol shrugged, raising both of his giant hands by his giant ears. "Gender is a social construct. Nicolette is sometimes Nick. Just put down 'they-slash-them.'"

"Gotcha," said Junmyeon easily, adding _they/them_ to his notes. Over his shoulder, Sehun frowned and stole his pen again, amending his original note to read _want some fucc_. Junmyeon sighed.

"Am I next?" asked Kyungsoo, popping a cheeseball and a piece of popcorn into his mouth at the same time.

Junmyeon nodded and gestured for him to begin.

"Okay," said Kyungsoo, wiping his fingertips off on a napkin before flipping his notebook open to a page covered in perfectly straight lines of neat handwriting. "My name is Orzo," he read. "I'm a Monk Half-Orc - "

"Isn't that some kind of food?" asked Minseok curiously.

"I think it's some kind of Italian rice," said Baekhyun.

"Are you sure? I think it's pasta," said Jongdae. "But small."

"It's a small pasta that resembles large grains of rice," confirmed Junmyeon.

"Liar pasta," Baekhyun muttered. "Deceiver of man."

Junmyeon kept his face carefully neutral. "You might even say it's... an impasta."

Minseok reached over Jongdae to give Junmyeon a high five. Sehun groaned and smushed his face into Junmyeon's shoulder.

"May I continue?" asked Kyungsoo pointedly.

"Yes, of course," said Junmyeon, still chuckling to himself. "Go ahead, Orzo."

Kyungsoo pushed his glasses up his nose. "As I was saying. My name is Orzo. I'm a Monk Half-Orc, with the Guild Artisan - "

"Kyungsoo," said Jongin seriously, gazing at him with big puppy eyes. Kyungsoo faltered. "I love that you named yourself after a small pasta. You could have chosen any pasta, but you chose a small pasta."

"Orzo is a highly versatile pasta used in various regional cuisines," Kyungsoo murmured.

"They're doing it again," Jongdae whispered as Jongin and Kyungsoo slowly and unconsciously leaned their faces in toward each other.

"In Italy, it's known as risoni," said Kyungsoo, his voice pitched low.

"Small pasta is cute," said Jongin earnestly, eyes trailing down to Kyungsoo's mouth. "Like you."

"I'm not small or cute," Kyungsoo reminded him, lazily drawing Jongin toward him by an overall strap. "But I am versatile."

A loud, graceless snore erupted from the laptop speakers. The eight members seated at the table turned to see Yixing nodding off onscreen, chin resting against his chest.

"As much as I'm enjoying this and hope to enjoy this again as a participant later this evening," said Baekhyun, thrusting his notepad between Kyungsoo's and Jongin's faces, "Yixing has an early start tomorrow, so we should wrap up in the next half hour so he can head to bed."

They all quietly agreed. Junmyeon cleared his throat and called out to Yixing from his end of the table. When there was no reaction other than another loud snore, he tried again, raising his voice. Yixing's head listed to one side.

"EXO sucks," said Sehun loudly.

Yixing sprung awake. "Who said that?"

"Nobody," said Baekhyun. "Although we do suck," he added wickedly. "We suck big fat monster - "

"I said it," interrupted Sehun. "To wake you up."

"Baekhyun said you have an early schedule tomorrow," explained Junmyeon. "So we'll get through Kyungsoo, Jongin, and Sehun and call it a night."

"It's okay," insisted Yixing. "Don't rush because of me. I'll have plenty of time to sleep."

"Let me guess," Minseok cut in dryly. "You'll have plenty of time to sleep after we finish this session and you squeeze in another two hours of dance practice."

"And a shower," added Jongdae.

"And another two hours before bed making beats on Logic," said Chanyeol, pointing an accusatory finger at the laptop screen.

"It's fine," Yixing repeated. "My schedule isn't that - "

"Yeah yeah yeah," said Baekhyun, waving a dismissive hand. "It's not like I'm twenty minutes away from taking off these pants anyway." He stood up and wiggled his butt at the laptop camera. Yixing gave an enthusiastic little whoop.

Chanyeol reached up and slapped both of his buttcheeks like a set of bongos. "Here," he called to Yixing. "I made you a beat. Now you can sleep early tonight."

Baekhyun yelped, leapt out of Chanyeol's reach, tripped over Minseok, and sprawled forward onto Minseok's and Jongdae's laps. Minseok immediately slapped his butt, and Junmyeon reached out to ruffle his hair.

"Alright, everyone," said Junmyeon. "Let's get back on track before Baekhyun exposes himself. Yixing, promise us you'll get in bed before midnight, alright?"

Yixing sighed but reluctantly agreed. Baekhyun extricated himself from the ChenBaekXi pile while Chanyeol apologized and promised to give him a restorative butt massage later.

Satisfied, Junmyeon nodded at Kyungsoo. "Orzo?"

Kyungsoo cleared his throat and began to read again.

"My name is Orzo. I'm a Monk Half-Orc, with the Guild Artisan background. Specifically, I make artisan bread, with a specialty in decorative bread sculpture. I am seven feet tall and have grayish skin and a very prominent lower jaw. I am not handsome by any Human standards, but I am strong and very muscular. I wear my hair long, past my shoulders. In terms of personality, I'm well known for my work, and I want to make sure everyone appreciates it. I'm always taken aback when people haven't heard of me. I work hard to be the best there is at my craft.

"You may wonder how a Monk came to be an expert baker, or how a Half-Orc came to be a Monk. The truth is, shortly after my birth, my mother's husband realized I wasn't fully Human and that my mother had been unfaithful to him. He refused to accept me as his son and instead abandoned me outside a monastery, where I was taken in and raised and trained as a Monk.

"As for how I became a baker, it was clear from the very beginning that I didn't belong at the monastery. Asceticism and introspection did not come easily to me like it did the others, though I excelled at all physical aspects of training. I was reprimanded for laughing too loudly, eating too freely, and dancing too wildly. My fellow Monks blamed my Half-Orc heritage as the root of my restless, wild behavior, telling me I would never be a real Monk because my bloodline was poisoned.

"Shunned by my peers and ridiculed by my teachers, I grew to hate myself. Eventually, I couldn't take it anymore and ran away. After days of aimless wandering, I found myself in a large port city where I found work at a general store, lifting heavy crates and taking inventory in the stockroom. The shop owner was a Human woman named Penne, who told me it was rare to find someone who could both carry things and count without using my toes.

"Every morning, before I began work for the day, Penne would send me halfway across town to fetch a freshly baked loaf of bread from a bakery owned by an old man named Rigatoni. Penne always said that Rigatoni's baking was one of her greatest joys in life, next to money. Over time, Penne's joys became my own, as I grew to love Rigatoni's bread and also money. Penne was good to me, and I fell in love.

"With a steady source of income, I became an accepted member of society. It no longer mattered that I was a Half-Orc; I was respected because I had coin. In my spare time, I learned to bake, hoping to win Penne's heart. When Rigatoni heard of my interest, he took me on as an apprentice and taught me everything he knew. After he died a year later at the age of eighty-eight, I left my job at Penne's general store and took over the bakery. I became enamored with the creativity of bread-making and built a reputation as a bread artist.

"As a renowned baker, I am now the source of one of Penne's greatest joys in life. The only thing left I still need to woo her is money. I pursue wealth in order to secure her love. As a result, my flaw is that I'll do anything to get my hands on something rare or priceless. Now, with my apprentice Ziti running the bakery while I'm away, I will try my hand at adventuring in the hopes of earning enough gold to ask for Penne's hand in marriage."

When Kyungsoo finished reading, Jongin blinked at him, starry-eyed, and said breathlessly, "Wow."

"Kyungsoo," said Baekhyun, vibrating with excitement. "That was so _cool_."

"You put so much thought into it," said Jongdae admiringly.

"I wanted to treat it like an acting role," Kyungsoo replied, smiling. "Figuring out Orzo's backstory seemed important for getting in character."

"Actually," said Junmyeon, chuckling sheepishly, "Your backstory was so interesting that I was too busy listening to write everything down. Can I get your notebook so I can just take a photo of that page?"

Kyungsoo obliged and slid his notebook across the table, sending several stray cheeseballs skittering into Jongdae's lap. Minseok grimaced, but Jongdae cheerfully plucked them off his tearaway pants and ate them while Junmyeon snapped his photo.

On the laptop screen, Yixing could be seen stifling a yawn.

Baekhyun frowned before letting out a huge, multi-chinned, flared-nostril yawn in response. "These pants are getting dangerously uncomfortable," he warned, resting his head on Chanyeol's shoulder as Junmyeon slid Kyungsoo's notebook back across the table.

Sehun pressed his lips into a flat line, then pulled his hoodie strings tight so that his face was framed like a particularly handsome stool waiting to make its debut. "C'mon, let's finish up. Nini, are you ready?"

Jongin looked up from where he'd been drawing bear ears on all the O's on his page and pointed to himself. "Me?"

"No, the other Nini," said Sehun. He popped his head out of his hood and carefully fixed his hair until it was restored to its rightful state of luxurious beauty.

"He means you," said Kyungsoo, patting Jongin's thigh.

"Go ahead, Jongin," Junmyeon said with a nod.

"Okay," said Jongin, sitting up a little straighter. "I am a Gnome, so I am three feet tall. I am also a Druid, but unlike Chanyeol I plan to use my Wild Shape to transform into a bear, not a fox. And," he continued over Chanyeol's weak protests, "I can talk to animals!"

"That seems useful," Kyungsoo said, smiling at him fondly.

Sehun riffled through his _Player's Handbook_ until he found the appendices. "There isn't even a fox listed here," he pointed out. "How are you going to turn into a fox?"

"There's a list?" asked Chanyeol, groping around for his own handbook and accidentally planting a hand on Baekhyun's crotch in the process. He left it there. "Maybe they have something similar like a - a dog or a wolf?"

Baekhyun patted Chanyeol's hand and leaned forward to extract the handbook from where he'd been sitting on it. "Where's the list you're looking at?"

"What the hell... How many more things are you hiding down there?" asked Kyungsoo, ducking his head to check under the table.

"Oh, there's plenty more where that came from," said Baekhyun with a leer.

Kyungsoo smirked at him. "Are you planning to share with the class?"

"It's under Creature Statistics," sighed Sehun. "Appendix D."

"D, huh?" asked Kyungsoo innocently. "Is D a big section? In terms of how much space it takes up - in the handbook, of course - how thick or long would you say D is?"

Baekhyun snorted and flipped to the back of his handbook, automatically moving Chanyeol's hand away from his crotch so he would slap the table, not his dick, as he shook in silent laughter. Jongin let out a giggle and clapped his hands over his mouth. Sehun cracked a smile.

On his left, Junmyeon pursed his lips as he glanced between Sehun's open handbook and his own _Dungeon Master's Guide_ and _Monster Manual_. "I think we can actually make our own stats, if you really want to turn into a fox. We can start with - there's a Jackal here, which seems pretty close. I can cross the stats with a Cat, maybe?" He scribbled a few notes down in his Moleskine as Chanyeol assented. "I'll figure out the specifics later, but for now, just assume you can turn into a fox. I'll have the exact numbers ready by next session. And Jongin, are you good with using the preset Brown Bear or Black Bear stats?"

"Yeah, but I don't have to be a bear every time, right?" asked Jongin. "I can be other animals, too? Like... a toy poodle?"

"Right," confirmed Junmyeon. "You're not confined to any one animal; you can choose a different one every time you transform."

"Okay!" Jongin beamed.

Kyungsoo tapped a finger on Jongin's notebook. "What about the rest of your character stuff? Does our little Gnome have a name?"

"Ah," said Jongin with a small, secret smile. "My name is Makgeolli."

"Everyone's named after edible things," said Yixing, laughing. "First Kyungsoo with the pasta, and now you with the alcohol."

"Just Couple Things," said Jongdae in a stage whisper.

"Oh, I don't think he's named after the drink," said Minseok. "I think he's named after Mark. _Mark Lee_."

"He's cute," Jongin said defensively, "like my character. I have the Urchin background, and I hide scraps of food and trinkets away in my pockets, and if I'm outnumbered, I will run away from a fight."

"That does sound cute," Minseok conceded. Then, more quietly, "Did he respond to your text yet?"

"No," said Jongin, pouting dejectedly.

Sehun frowned. That didn't sound right. Jongin's abs had a 100% hit rate. "They don't have a schedule tonight, do they? Johnny wouldn't have complained about the noise in the dorm if they did, right?" Glaring at his phone, he dashed off a quick text.

"I'm not sure," said Minseok. "But there's no way Mark is just ignoring Jongin's message. That kid has absolutely no chill. Maybe he just went to bed early?"

"Right after he texted you?" Jongin scoffed. "He's probably just laughing at my bad English. I should have checked with someone before sending it." He hunched over into a ball and glowered at the table.

"What did you write?" asked Yixing curiously.

Jongin held his phone up to the laptop camera. "I just sent 'Hi Mark. You are very cute. When you speak English you are so cool. Can you help me? Do you like my picture? Is it good?' and then the photo."

Yixing tilted his head to one side and frowned. "That sounds right to me."

Jongin smushed his face into his knees. "I know he's ignoring me on purpose," he mumbled. "This is so embarrassing."

"Jongin, do you have anything else for Makgeolli?" interrupted Junmyeon.

"Yeah," Jongin sighed, straightening back up and grabbing his notebook. "I sponsor an orphanage to keep others from enduring what I was forced to endure. Because I was orphaned. That's how I became an Urchin. You know, maybe I should change my character name - "

"Guys," said Sehun, struggling to speak between fits of giggling. "Johnny said that Mark wanted to text back but when he saw Jongin's message he dropped his phone and shattered the screen. He's been sitting on his bed with his head between his knees deep breathing for the last twenty minutes."

"Congratulations," said Minseok mildly. "You broke him."

"YES!" Jongin whooped, leaping up and pumping his fist in the air.

"You were saying you wanted to change your character name...?" Minseok trailed off with a raised eyebrow.

"Nope," said Jongin brightly. "I'm Makgeolli! And I am _extremely_ cute." He plopped himself back down and high-fived Baekhyun over the table.

"Of course you are," said Kyungsoo, patting his cheek.

Jongin smiled, then began an urgent whispered conversation with Baekhyun about the best way to thirst trap Taeyong.

"Okay, great!" said Junmyeon, sounding deeply relieved. "Sehun, it's your turn. Finally."

Sehun perked up and wiggled in excitement. "Excellent." He swiped his notebook back from where, just moments ago, he'd blindly tossed it onto Junmyeon's lap to make room for his creature research. Junmyeon pretended to side-eye him judgmentally but mostly ended up looking like he was being possessed by a spirit who'd died from constipation.

"My name is Kildaar," said Sehun with gusto. "I'm a Dragonborn Fighter. My Draconic Ancestry is Gold, so my skin - my scales are gold, and I do Fire damage. I have the Criminal background, with the Spy variant, so I wear dark clothes with a hood to blend into the night. And my specialty is Pickpocketing." He paused to surreptitiously gauge the table's reactions without realizing his visibly scheming eyebrows were giving him away.

"So cool, Sehunnie," cooed Baekhyun. "Everyone loves a criminal. Maybe Charlotta will romance you."

" _Does_ everyone love a criminal?" Jongdae wondered.

"You're the only one besides Minseok who can fight, huh?" said Chanyeol.

"Probably!" said Sehun, face alight with glee. "Supposedly, being Dragonborn gives me 'exceptional strength and superior charisma,' plus I'm six-foot-six and three hundred pounds, so I definitely have a size advantage - "

"We know," said Kyungsoo lazily, leaning back on his hands and eyeing Sehun up and down.

Sehun smirked at him. "However," he continued, "I'm not very good at being a criminal. Because of my size, I tend to be conspicuous when I try to sneak around, and whenever I lie, my skin - I mean, my scales get really itchy. I also only steal from the wealthy and give to the poor, like Robin Hood, and - "

" _Oh_ ," said Chanyeol softly, eyes going wide and glassy as he gripped the table.

"What did I say?" Sehun panicked.

"Oh my god," said Jongdae, smashing his face into Minseok's shoulder. "It's the Disney movie. The cartoon."

"The one with the - " Yixing said suspiciously.

"Foxes," Jongdae confirmed with a groan. "Get it together, man!" He launched Minseok's Pringles can at Chanyeol, startling him out of his reverie.

"As I was saying," Sehun plowed on, heedless of Chanyeol, who was waxing about Maid Marian's various charms, "I steal so I can help people in need. The best way to get me to do something is to tell me I can't, and at some point, someone I loved died because of a mistake I made, and I can never let that happen again. Also, I'm very particular about my claws and always keep them finely manicured, I'm illiterate and don't want anyone to find out, and I always refer to myself in third person."

"Oh god," muttered Junmyeon, rapidly taking notes.

"Sehun, you're a genius," Jongin said seriously. "I wish I'd given my character more fun personality traits like yours."

"There's still time," Yixing reassured him. "You can make it up as you go along."

"Yeah," said Junmyeon. "And we haven't even filled out our character sheets yet. We need to roll for stats and draw pictures and stuff. But not tonight," he added hastily when Baekhyun stood up and stared directly into his eyes, unblinking, and deliberately pulled one end of the string at his waistband so that the bow tied just under his bellybutton slipped out of its knot. "We're done for tonight, everybody," Junmyeon called out.

"Thanks, leader!" Yixing replied with a dimpled smile and a wave.

"Go get some rest, Yixing," said Junmyeon, waving back.

"Sleep well, Yixing," said Baekhyun, letting his sweatpants fall to his ankles with a satisfied sigh. "It's relaxation time."

"Goodnight, everybody," said Yixing, leaning right up to his laptop and smacking a loud kiss into the camera before waving goodbye as he searched his screen for the button to end the call.

"Goodnight, sheep prince," said Jongin, startling a delighted dimpled smile out of Yixing just before his screen went black.

Junmyeon smiled to himself. Jongin had grown up so well. He knew it was all part of EXO's marketing strategy to promote Jongin as The Face™ and The Body™ of the group, and frankly, it was pretty futile trying to argue with that jawline or those abs, but Jongin was so much more than what the company allowed him to be seen as. Even during their trainee days, he'd had a tender heart and a curious mind, and no amount of media training had ever stamped out the cerebral and deeply emotional side of him that kept his nose buried in a book whenever he wasn't in the practice room.

"Nice reference," he said quietly, jabbing Jongin in the shoulder. Jongin grinned back at him.

At that moment, Baekhyun attempted to strip Jongdae of his tearaway pants, and the room erupted in its usual state of semi-nude chaos as Jongdae tumbled, bare-assed, onto Junmyeon's lap, launching carrot sticks all over the floor. Minseok took this opportunity to steal away to the couch, where Chanyeol was already kneeling and eagerly awaiting direction.

Sehun sighed, rolled his eyes, and wriggled out of his own pants. "I guess we're not getting that super-bed set up tonight," he remarked.

"Is that a problem?" asked Kyungsoo, who was lying back against the carpet with his hands behind his head as Jongin nuzzled his neck with a satisfied hum.

"Not at all," said Sehun, crawling beside Jongin and hip checking him. "Move over, Nini. Sharing is caring."

Jongin whined in protest, so Sehun kissed him quiet while Kyungsoo carefully placed his glasses on the table. Jongdae, still butt-naked, stood by the TV queueing up his babymaking playlist while Junmyeon, feigning annoyance, had Baekhyun pinned and squirming under his arm, much to Baekhyun's delight. Nearby, Chanyeol let out a low, muffled moan as Minseok whispered into his ear.

Sehun sighed in contentment as two pairs of hands roamed over his body. He'd been skeptical when Junmyeon had first floated the idea of a group role-playing game, thinking it sounded too nerdy even for Junmyeon, but he could admit that D&D might have its merits, especially when it involved Kyungsoo grinding against his ass and Jongin parting his obscenely plush lips under his own.

Change was coming, and Sehun wasn't ready to face the uncertainty of what the future might bring, not just yet, not tonight. But if he was sure of anything, it was that they'd write this story together, too, the same way they always had - as one.


End file.
